Like I said a couple of entries ago, I recently felt closer to my mortality than I ever have before. This brought about a feeling of discomfort that I've never tried to properly describe. I hope writing about it doesn't pass it along to those who would rather keep such things out of mind, so if that's you, just skip this entry.
The feeling I'm talking about is a sense of utter dread at the idea that my consciousness might cease to exist when I die. I'm very attached to being, after all. It is, of course, the pinnacle of doubt in my faith in God. Christ makes it very clear that we have eternal souls, that our death is by no means the end. Still there is a little part of me that is left to ponder the possibility that this is it. When I'm gone, I'm gone. And this idea scares me to my core; It scares me in a way that I can't properly describe.
Strangely enough, for me anyway, Kimberly doesn't share this feeling at all. It's not that her faith is impenetrable in a way that mine is not, its that the idea of ceasing to exist is fine for her--if it happens she won't be there to worry about it anyway. Even typing those words chills me. Getting close to the idea is hard for me.
I've decided to write about it now because I might have had a couple of small bits of revelation about it recently. Both are simple and I'm open to whether or not they are valid. First of all, when reading my brother-in-law's latest blog entry I starting thinking about this topic, and how it might be part of my spiritual maturity. When I have felt this way in the past, the Holy Spirit has often overtaken me in a way in which I again felt so sure of God's existence that it squelched my fears. Lately when I feel this fear no such thing has happened. Perhaps these feelings and doubts have been given to me as a test of faith, something of a spiritual barometer.
Secondly, just last night I thought of the words of Christ on the cross: "Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani?" which mean "My God, My God, why have you forsaken me" (from Mathew 27:46). I am wondering if maybe some part of what Christ felt at this point, this separation from God, is very near to this feeling I sometimes have. This for me is a profoundly encouraging thought. Given who Jesus was and is, I'm quite certain that he never had an intellectual loss of faith, and neither have I ever had that problem. I think that logically, philosophically, the case for the existence of my soul far outweighs alternate explanations. What Christ had was an emotional and spiritual rift, as he sacrificed everything for us. At that point, he must have been flooded with this sort of dread. It would be a part of the doubt associated with His ultimate suffering.
What do you think about this interpretation? I'm open to the fact that I might be reading my situation into a passage about something else (though there is a case for some validity of God talking to us this way, too, I think). Does anyone share these feelings sometimes, or are most people more like Kimberly in this respect?
Showing posts with label God. Show all posts
Showing posts with label God. Show all posts
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
Monday, July 30, 2007
Beaten to the Punch.
Kimberly just posted a blog entry with pretty much everything that I was thinking of writing about our weekend (though my own prose would have downplayed the kitten situation, I think). Just read hers instead.
In personal news, here's how I'm doing on my several points of improvement:
Exercise and calories - Today! We've started journaling the calories as of our breakfast today, and we're heading to the Campus Rec Center this evening. I'm really glad that Kimberly is on board with me for those things. It's the only way to keep myself going. (Thanks, darling!)
Budget - We started yesterday. Very conveniently, we both get paid bi-weekly, and they are on the opposite weeks, so we get a deposit every single week. That has enabled me to figure out our weekly allowances for everything: $50 a week for eating out/fun and entertainment, $75 for groceries, $50 a week goes into a vacation fund, all the bill money is set aside weekly, a check to the church every Sunday, and the rest goes into a general savings/non-periodic expense fund.
Time with God/Practice - I haven't had much luck here yet (though I have practiced every day). I think I'm going to partner with Ben on these things so that we can keep each other accountable. Maybe later this week or next week I can get into a more regular habit.
One night a week with Kimberly - I figured that this would be the easiest. It helps that we like hanging out with each other anyway. We've gotten out and spent time with each other several times in the few days since I posted my list.
In personal news, here's how I'm doing on my several points of improvement:
Exercise and calories - Today! We've started journaling the calories as of our breakfast today, and we're heading to the Campus Rec Center this evening. I'm really glad that Kimberly is on board with me for those things. It's the only way to keep myself going. (Thanks, darling!)
Budget - We started yesterday. Very conveniently, we both get paid bi-weekly, and they are on the opposite weeks, so we get a deposit every single week. That has enabled me to figure out our weekly allowances for everything: $50 a week for eating out/fun and entertainment, $75 for groceries, $50 a week goes into a vacation fund, all the bill money is set aside weekly, a check to the church every Sunday, and the rest goes into a general savings/non-periodic expense fund.
Time with God/Practice - I haven't had much luck here yet (though I have practiced every day). I think I'm going to partner with Ben on these things so that we can keep each other accountable. Maybe later this week or next week I can get into a more regular habit.
One night a week with Kimberly - I figured that this would be the easiest. It helps that we like hanging out with each other anyway. We've gotten out and spent time with each other several times in the few days since I posted my list.
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
Accountability
Alright, it's been several weeks since I started my new job and even longer since I began my stressful job transition. Before that period started I was on a pretty healthy schedule as far as exercise and diet went. When things got rough at work some of that discipline went out the window. During my two weeks off I did develop a helpful habit of keeping up on the household chores when Kimberly wasn't around. Now this has faded. In the past couple of months I've been practicing my bass more than at any other point in my life, including when I was in college, but I've barely touched it this week. It's definitely time for me to hoist myself back up to par.
Here is the ambitious list of things that I want to develop or redevelop as regular disciplines in the next couple weeks:
1) Exercise/run 4-5 times a week.
2) Count and journal calories.
3) Keep a modest and accurate budget.
4) Spend at least a half an hour a day with God, in scripture, meditation, or prayer. (This would be a totally new discipline for me.)
5) Spend at least a half an hour a day playing my bass or another instrument.
6) Plan at least one night a week to be outside the house with the sole purpose of spending time with Kimberly (be it a 20 minute walk or a dinner date).
I mention these things here to have some semi-public accountability. I'll make sure to note my progress or failure here every week.
Wish me luck...
Here is the ambitious list of things that I want to develop or redevelop as regular disciplines in the next couple weeks:
1) Exercise/run 4-5 times a week.
2) Count and journal calories.
3) Keep a modest and accurate budget.
4) Spend at least a half an hour a day with God, in scripture, meditation, or prayer. (This would be a totally new discipline for me.)
5) Spend at least a half an hour a day playing my bass or another instrument.
6) Plan at least one night a week to be outside the house with the sole purpose of spending time with Kimberly (be it a 20 minute walk or a dinner date).
I mention these things here to have some semi-public accountability. I'll make sure to note my progress or failure here every week.
Wish me luck...
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
The forest through the trees.
This Saturday I found myself 12 feet up in a tree (I think it was a yellow birch). My goal was to spend a half an hour figuring out what it means to "empty myself" before God so that I could hear him speak and then to do it.
My biggest observation of my time (of the act itself, that is) is that a half hour is nowhere near enough time to really bear fruit in an effort like that. At least not if one has no practice in this sort of contemplation. At no point did I reach a state anywhere near empty, which is not to say that it wasn't a worthwhile experience, just that it is hopefully more like a beginning to a journey than a singular event.
My process went something like this:
● My group all went our separate ways to begin our half hour alone. I ran off into the woods behind our campsite, across a marshy brook, and found my tree.
● I shimmied up to the lowest branch, and then climbed up to a fork in the tree that made for a good perch.
● I began my contemplation by trying to be aware of my surroundings rather than myself (or with myself as just another part of the surroundings). I could hear birds singing, squirrels and Austin rustling around, a bit farther off the sound of families at their campsites, and beyond that the sound of trucks racing down the highway.
● I started to feel all these things are part of the same earth. At first the people at the campground were a distraction, but soon they faded into the background of the world around me. Once I was at this point I could begin to feel myself as part of that material background as well.
● I could feel myself as part of the background except for my mind. I began to ponder the wonderful gift that God has given me in my consciousness that pierces the divide between the material and spiritual worlds. I worshiped God for his grace in this gift.
● The rest of my time was spent trying once again to remove myself from my mind, this time, though, removing my ego from my thoughts. It was this task that proved too much for so little time. As far as I might think I've traveled down the road to humility, it takes only a few moments to realize that I am the center of my universe almost all of the time. To recognize it for a while is wholly liberating.
I would love to make experiences like this common practice. The value of that time spent is so much higher than almost any other way that I might be spending it, so why not?
My biggest observation of my time (of the act itself, that is) is that a half hour is nowhere near enough time to really bear fruit in an effort like that. At least not if one has no practice in this sort of contemplation. At no point did I reach a state anywhere near empty, which is not to say that it wasn't a worthwhile experience, just that it is hopefully more like a beginning to a journey than a singular event.
My process went something like this:
● My group all went our separate ways to begin our half hour alone. I ran off into the woods behind our campsite, across a marshy brook, and found my tree.
● I shimmied up to the lowest branch, and then climbed up to a fork in the tree that made for a good perch.
● I began my contemplation by trying to be aware of my surroundings rather than myself (or with myself as just another part of the surroundings). I could hear birds singing, squirrels and Austin rustling around, a bit farther off the sound of families at their campsites, and beyond that the sound of trucks racing down the highway.
● I started to feel all these things are part of the same earth. At first the people at the campground were a distraction, but soon they faded into the background of the world around me. Once I was at this point I could begin to feel myself as part of that material background as well.
● I could feel myself as part of the background except for my mind. I began to ponder the wonderful gift that God has given me in my consciousness that pierces the divide between the material and spiritual worlds. I worshiped God for his grace in this gift.
● The rest of my time was spent trying once again to remove myself from my mind, this time, though, removing my ego from my thoughts. It was this task that proved too much for so little time. As far as I might think I've traveled down the road to humility, it takes only a few moments to realize that I am the center of my universe almost all of the time. To recognize it for a while is wholly liberating.
I would love to make experiences like this common practice. The value of that time spent is so much higher than almost any other way that I might be spending it, so why not?
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
Cogito, ergo sum.
Tony and I are in an ongoing carpool discussion about the duality of the mind and the physical universe, as it relates to information theory, and the logical conclusions thereof. I thought it might be helpful to write down my thoughts on the the subject of this duality.
The physical universe is, by the standards of physical law, self sustaining. (This standard is not, of course, what I believe to be a complete world-view, which includes an active and present God sustaining creation at all points, but by this I mean that these physical laws, as far as they go, are probably enough to account for a complete closed system.) The universe obeys physical law. The subject of the origin of these laws does not need to enter this argument, only that they are observed to be a thorough and complete description of "what the universe does."
The human mind, however, is a complete oddity in this scheme. If the universe were truly such a closed system then we would have no basis to believe that consciousness (and with it morality) were any more than an illusion. What we observe introspectively is an absolute reality of the mind. No person can live as though they were an unconscious machine. Without delving deeply into a philosophic quagmire, the practical absurdity of man as a physical law abiding machine should be, if we are at all honest with ourselves, totally apparent. Likewise, even in our age of moral and intellectual relativism, not even the most die-hard naturalist (in this case, someone who believes that the physical universe is in fact a closed system) cannot live as if they had no absolute moral foundation.
So it seems that we cannot get rid of this oddity in the universe: the mind. If we accept this, it is helpful to examine how the mind differs from the physical universe. The mind, of course, differs from the material world in its immateriality. Thought does not have weight nor does it occupy space. The mind is rational, whereas the universe is a network of cause and effect chains. The mind is moral. It has laws and imperatives that do not and cannot apply to the physical world.
The real question is how these two exclusive entities interact. My thoughts are that the human mind invades the closed physical system of the universe through the human brain. The brain is a conduit, so to speak, or a transducer. When our brains are damaged or not functioning at their peaks (e.g. when we're tired, hungry, fatigued, intoxicated, etc.) it is not the mind that is disabled, but the brains transitive functions. The only way that the brain affects the mind is in our ability to analyze the physical universe through our senses. Our brains respond physically to physical stimuli, and the mind captures these stimuli and translates them into information.
Information is, in my system, totally mental. No information exists apart from the mind. The physical universe is real. It is an absolute. It exists. Information concerning it, though, is not woven into its independent and closed existence, but rather is woven into this separate and adjacent reality of the mind.
Through this understanding, and only by these conclusions, I find ideas such as PCs that will one day become sentient, and the universe containing proto-conscious tendencies that are substantiated in the human brain to be incomplete and incompatible with reality. There are wonderful and coherent conclusions to which my system will lead (not the least of which is the relation of our mind-over-matter duality to Biblical miracles,) but these ideas are certainly excluded.
The physical universe is, by the standards of physical law, self sustaining. (This standard is not, of course, what I believe to be a complete world-view, which includes an active and present God sustaining creation at all points, but by this I mean that these physical laws, as far as they go, are probably enough to account for a complete closed system.) The universe obeys physical law. The subject of the origin of these laws does not need to enter this argument, only that they are observed to be a thorough and complete description of "what the universe does."
The human mind, however, is a complete oddity in this scheme. If the universe were truly such a closed system then we would have no basis to believe that consciousness (and with it morality) were any more than an illusion. What we observe introspectively is an absolute reality of the mind. No person can live as though they were an unconscious machine. Without delving deeply into a philosophic quagmire, the practical absurdity of man as a physical law abiding machine should be, if we are at all honest with ourselves, totally apparent. Likewise, even in our age of moral and intellectual relativism, not even the most die-hard naturalist (in this case, someone who believes that the physical universe is in fact a closed system) cannot live as if they had no absolute moral foundation.
So it seems that we cannot get rid of this oddity in the universe: the mind. If we accept this, it is helpful to examine how the mind differs from the physical universe. The mind, of course, differs from the material world in its immateriality. Thought does not have weight nor does it occupy space. The mind is rational, whereas the universe is a network of cause and effect chains. The mind is moral. It has laws and imperatives that do not and cannot apply to the physical world.
The real question is how these two exclusive entities interact. My thoughts are that the human mind invades the closed physical system of the universe through the human brain. The brain is a conduit, so to speak, or a transducer. When our brains are damaged or not functioning at their peaks (e.g. when we're tired, hungry, fatigued, intoxicated, etc.) it is not the mind that is disabled, but the brains transitive functions. The only way that the brain affects the mind is in our ability to analyze the physical universe through our senses. Our brains respond physically to physical stimuli, and the mind captures these stimuli and translates them into information.
Information is, in my system, totally mental. No information exists apart from the mind. The physical universe is real. It is an absolute. It exists. Information concerning it, though, is not woven into its independent and closed existence, but rather is woven into this separate and adjacent reality of the mind.
Through this understanding, and only by these conclusions, I find ideas such as PCs that will one day become sentient, and the universe containing proto-conscious tendencies that are substantiated in the human brain to be incomplete and incompatible with reality. There are wonderful and coherent conclusions to which my system will lead (not the least of which is the relation of our mind-over-matter duality to Biblical miracles,) but these ideas are certainly excluded.
Sunday, February 11, 2007
Entry One
Today started with worship band practice. The orignal plan for today's service was to have two worship sets, one led by Rhesa with the full band, and one with Damon and no drums or electric guitar. Unfortunately, Rhesa was out with a sick child, so it was an impromptu practice of repatching the stage and hurrying through a few of our songs (with new Damon-friendly keys.) Despite this hectic start, I felt like things came together exceptionally well. I played in a very worshipful state, which is a blessing for someone who too often ends up focusing on the parts and not the purpose.
I just got back from a run. We're about a week into our new (old) healthy lifestyle of counting our calories to prevent overeating and exercising whenever possible. It is truly amazing how quickly one begins to feel better after returning to this sort of lifestyle. I lost a couple of pounds in one week (thanks to the loss of that great initial easy-to-burn and water-heavy glycogen reserve), which allowed me to wear some clothes that have been in the closet for a few months and gave me a ton of much needed extra energy.
On the agenda for the evening:
-Pick up groceries, etc.
-Cook dinner and bring it to Kimberly at her work.
-Do the taxes (woo).
-Do the budget.
-Prepare for small group.
Funny
I just got back from a run. We're about a week into our new (old) healthy lifestyle of counting our calories to prevent overeating and exercising whenever possible. It is truly amazing how quickly one begins to feel better after returning to this sort of lifestyle. I lost a couple of pounds in one week (thanks to the loss of that great initial easy-to-burn and water-heavy glycogen reserve), which allowed me to wear some clothes that have been in the closet for a few months and gave me a ton of much needed extra energy.
On the agenda for the evening:
-Pick up groceries, etc.
-Cook dinner and bring it to Kimberly at her work.
-Do the taxes (woo).
-Do the budget.
-Prepare for small group.
Funny
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
